The "ABUSE EXCUSE"

I was planning on writing about how I have somehow managed to put the anxieties I’ve been experiencing since Monster Jim’s release on hold to help my son through his own anxieties. I do plan on dissecting this ability in the near future and writing about what I’ve been feeling, however something else hit me like a baseball bat to the head, something I feel very passionately about, and something that is commanding my attention right now. I am going to write about the “Abuse Excuse.”

The Abuse Excuse is a term I coined almost twenty years ago describing the ability for a victim of abuse to use the abuse as a reason to continue to abuse themselves or those around them. It’s a victim’s ability to use the abuse they survived as a justification for bad, unhealthy or otherwise selfish behavior. It is, in my opinion, completely unacceptable.

I understand the emotional turmoil you go through as a survivor. I have lived through the night terrors, the panic attacks, the depression, the self destructive behavior and the self loathing. I have battled the suicidal thoughts, the addiction issues, promiscuity, and the inability to have a decent functional relationship. No one threw a better pity party than I did. I understand wanting those that hurt you to hurt as much as you do and the toxic hatred you feel. I too have had the thoughts of sweet revenge, imagining things too gory to put into words. I know that sometimes death would seem like a blessing. I didn’t read about this stuff- I LIVED IT!

Dr Phil tells parents whose children run the house, “That’s the tail wagging the dog.” When you allow yourself to live in a perpetual state of The Abuse Excuse, it’s no different. The abuse is controlling you, it’s defining who you are. You are not in control. Your abuser may be long gone, but you are still letting them victimize you on a daily basis. Why would you do that? What? You don’t think you’re strong enough? Bull Shit!! YOU SURVIVED!! You survived for a reason, and I can promise you it wasn’t to live a half assed life doped up on medications or self medicating with alcohol and drugs. You didn’t survive to hop from one bed to the next letting people who aren’t worthy of you get their rocks off. You certainly didn’t survive to turn around and victimize someone else. You survived for some reason only you know.

For me that reason was my kids. I couldn’t be good mother to my son if I wasn’t good to Myself. I put Myself in therapy. I worked very hard with someone who had all the qualifications and licenses the state offered. She had never been a victim herself, but she had read all the books and taken all the tests. It is kind of like going to marriage counseling with a priest. They can help you with everything they’ve read about or been trained in, but they will never truly get it. She was able to point out all the areas in my life I was sabotaging Myself, she could put a label on the panic attacks and the night terrors, she could even give me ways to help combat the unwelcome intrusions into my mind, but she had never really lived through what I had. It’s the difference between book smarts and street smarts. I will forever be grateful to my therapist, Nancy. She helped me sort out a lot of completely unorganized and disheveled thoughts. She helped me clear my mind so I could figure out the rest on my own, the rest of the healing only someone who has survived can understand.

I think that’s why I get so frustrated. I was never the smartest kid in the class. No one voted me most likely to succeed. My parents were thrilled with C’s on my report card. Yet so many people, so many intelligent people can’t figure out how to get past something, in their past! They are letting it suck them in and pull them down like the Tar Pits at Rancho La Brea. They get stuck wallowing in the muck and the guck of the abuse they survived they don’t realize they aren’t going anywhere. They can’t see they are being slowly sucked down into an abyss of lifeless survival. When I wake up in the morning, my goal isn’t to make it to bed at the end of the day, my goal is to see what I can accomplish, to embrace this amazing beautiful life I have and squeeze every ounce of positive energy I can from it.

When I see or hear people talk about their experiences and use it as an excuse as to why their life is in ruins I can’t explain the irritation I feel. Really? You were abused so you have to have another beer? You were abused so you need to get high? You were abused so you need to sleep around? You were a victim so you need to take the medications? Has it ever occurred to you that you are abusing yourself more than the predator?

Before I go any further, I will say this… If you are on antidepressants, anti anxiety meds or meds that are helping you cope while you are dealing with your past… for God sake don’t think I am talking about you! I am talking about the over medicated, I need a pain pill for every ache I have person, who suffers from psychosomatic pain but refuses to get help, it’s easier to take the pain pill ~ person. If you are on antidepressants or anti anxiety meds I applaud you for taking that step.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program

At the risk of sounding like a giant toothed motivational speaker or a high school football coach talking in the locker room before the last big game of the season, I am going to tell you something I doubt any of you have heard. ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING!

You have to decide that you are going to take control of your life, you have to decide that you are going to win, and you have to decide you are worth it. Sometimes it’s that last part that’s the hardest. Monster Jim had me convinced my family could care less if I lived or died. He had me convinced he would be doing the world a favor if he would just put me out of everyone’s misery. The psychological abuse he inflicted is, at times, far more painful than the sexual or physical abuse. To this day, when people give me compliments I have a hard time 1)believing them and 2)accepting it. I don’t handle compliments well. My first knee jerk reaction is, “What do they want from me?”

As long as you continue to flounder around and use your victimization as an excuse to abuse yourself, or others, you aren’t allowed to call yourself a survivor. You are, in my opinion, worse than the person who put you in that position in the first place. If you aren’t willing to stand up and fight for yourself who will be?

The last type of person I want to call out is the one who thinks the world owes them something because they were abused. I’m not talking about the people who have sued or are suing the Catholic church because a priest molested them when they were 10. When an organization enables pedophiles to roam freely in and out of their midst protecting them rather than holding them accountable, they should be sued. They should be brought to their knees and hit where it hurts. Unfortunately in our society that means the bank account. I am talking about the person who talks about how bad their life sucks and points out how well others around them are doing. The people who claim they would have had a better life too if this never happened to them. The people who chose to live in the noxious quick sand of jealousy. You have a choice. Stay there and continue to slop around in the human waste you have created or stand up, wash yourself off and realize the people you are so envious of have probably gone through similar experiences if not worse, they simply chose to move past it. They chose to fix the broken parts of their lives and create something wonderful out of something tragic and awful.

Everyone is “re-purposing” now, turning old beat up barn wood into custom made cabinets, turning old dilapidated furniture into beautiful works of art. Why can’t you re-purpose your life! Turn your tragedy into an amazing fairytale! Don’t tell me it’s not possible… I did!!