There are books about anxiety but that’s not what this is. The sound of the drills, the shots into the gums, none of that scares me, none of it bothers me. It’s much deeper than that. In my search for the adult version of some little book to help me get over my paralyzing fear of going to the dentist I did find a nifty little product called “Temptooth.” It’s some kind of DIY denture kit that I am seriously considering at this point. My luck I would pay $35.00 and get a box of white chiclets and end up looking like Gary Busey.
I remember as a kid going to the dentist, Dr Stonebrook, in Eldora Iowa. He was a white haired old man that smelled like spearmint. Of course he had a perfect smile and kind eyes that hid behind big metal glasses. My memories include him pulling about 8 teeth, yes even Melvin the Magnificent Molar was yanked, to make room and straighten out my front teeth. He called it progressive pulling, mom called it wonderful! It saved my parents hefty orthodontics bills and me years of a wire wrapped smile. Even with a trip to the dentist that ended in a gauze filled mouth and 8 missing teeth, I don’t have bad memories. In fact I would give anything to go back there right now and relive that experience. Son of a bitch!! As I am writing about it, I am crying! Yes… actual tears! That was when my life was sunny and 78. That was when people would tell me what a beautiful smile I had. A couple years later and a run in with Monster Jim, the animal that molested me, my life and my oral health changed forever.
It’s moments like this, I want to punch Monster Jim in the face, I want to punch Myself in the face, I want to punch SOMEONE in the face! This is one of those internal, deeply ingrained scars that never seem to heal. This is one of those “Why can’t I be fucking NORMAL” moments that irritate every last nerve in my body!
Monster Jim took so much from me. He took my innocence, he took my trust, he took my family, he took my ability to love, he took my self confidence, my sense of safety, countless nights of sleep, there is just no end to the bits and pieces he has shattered in my life. For years he took my ability to smile, to really truly smile from the inside.
When Jack saw the picture my mom has hanging in her stairwell of my brother, sister, and I (I was about 4), it became his mission to make me smile like that once again, ear to ear, not a care in the world, mouth open and smile shining bright, my entire face beaming with joy. He has made me feel like that. He has given me back my ability to trust, my family is repaired, Loving is not just easy it’s what I live for, I have self confidence and for the first time ever I finally feel somewhat safe. I have been reclaiming my life and gradually getting everything he took back, picking up the pieces and putting them back together. The only thing I have left is to smile from the inside out and now I can’t, my smile is broken and I can’t fix it.
The thought of someone, ANYONE, forcing my mouth open and shoving things into it, sends me into a whirlwind of anxiety. My heart starts racing, I feel sick to my stomach and hiding under my bed seems like a viable alternative. I know I need to go to the dentist, I know this is for me and they aren’t going to do to me the things Jim did. I know this because, several years ago I made the first trip to the dentist since Dr Stonebrook. I worked Myself up to it, I explained to the Dentist my problems and the anxieties I had about being there and I requested he use as much gas as allowable by law to help me survive that experience. He did the work I needed done and I went on my way. I sat in my house feeling like I had just been violated. I sat in my room feeling all of the disgusting horrible thoughts I had felt years earlier. I went to sleep only to wake in a cold sweat, screaming from the night terrors I thought I had put to rest long ago. Suicidal thoughts darted in and out of my mind. I started drinking a little more and caring about my life a lot less.
The last trip to the dentist was shortly after my son Jakob had passed away so the anger and night terrors, the depression and erratic behavior, it was all blamed on the overwhelming grief I was feeling. Not just by those around me, but I too fell for a very believable and even more justifiable lie. I had that luxury at that time, now, not so much.
Here I sit years later, my mouth is falling apart. The teeth I have left are in dire need of repair and the thought of going to the dentist makes me cower. If allowed to think about it for too long, I will make myself physically ill. I can’t put it off any longer but I can’t figure out how to get it done. I am embarrassed to show a dentist the monstrosity I have let my mouth become, and scared of the months of torture I will be forced to endure after my visit. Compounding the problem, last summer Monster Jim, a level three sex offender, a HIGHLY DANGEROUS individual, was released from The State Hospital. Every emotion, every fear, every noxious, gruesome, harmful and terrifying memory came exceptionally close to a completely out of control full volcanic eruption. Self destruction was imminent. I tried to evacuate those around me to save them from my impending demise. I ran, warp speed, back to my therapist couch and with her help we have managed to relieve some of the toxic pressure lowering the molten lava to a dangerously high but functionally safe level. I have to keep my thoughts, emotions and fears in check daily. I am already dealing with anxiety levels that are bordering on the red all the time. Sleep is something that I remember at one time was peaceful for me, but those days are long ago. Makeup isn’t even hiding the dark circles under my eyes anymore. Tears can fall for no explainable reason (see earlier paragraph), and my anger can reach uncontrollable rage in nanoseconds. With all of this already so close to the surface, I am scared adding the last little ingredient like a trip to the dentist, I will make Tambora look like a zit popping. I know my mental stability would fall like Rome.
My sister found a place in Fargo that will put me under general anesthesia. Excited about the idea I could just go in, go to sleep and wake up unable to recall the mid evil torture device that forces my mouth open, a medically induced amnesia would allow me to endure the dental repairs I so desperately need! I eagerly sent them an email giving them a brief synopsis of my tragic past and the anguish a trip to the dentist causes. I waited for a response. I waited for them to tell me they had many patients like me and I wasn’t alone. I waited for them to tell me my issues were small peanuts to them and they could easily fix me. I waited to hear I would get my smile back. I’m still waiting.
I have been thinking of other workable options, so far I have come up with a vow of silence. Jack would be thrilled for the first few days but then I think even he would miss me spouting off my random and senseless words of wisdom, not to mention I could never stop telling my boys or Jack how much I love them. I thought about the DIY denture kit and suddenly craved chiclets. Does anyone else remember Guy Smiley? I thought about ordering the “flippers” you see on the mysteriously popular “Toddlers with Tiaras,” but visions of Honey Boo Boo and Mama June quickly extinguished that thought, leaving me out of ideas. I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no cute book with a fuzzy character to walk me through how I am supposed to do this, I have no practical alternatives, and I am quickly running out of time. Had I not written my book, “The Purple Orchid List,” had the book not been published and if it weren’t doing so well, I could easily slip away out of the public eye. I could move to a small cabin in the mountains some place and live the rest of my life in toothless peace.
As I have been writing this, I have been looking at hypnosis, meditation and yes, I even considered committing myself into a psych ward to prevent any self inflicted injury or pain I may cause. I decided to send one last email to the dental office in Fargo that advertises treatments done under general anesthesia, the medical amnesia I desperately need. To my surprise, they responded. Not only did they respond, I set up an appointment! With my determination, and their propofol, I will get my smile back! I will be beaming once again. I will finally have regained everything in my life Monster Jim took. I can honestly say I am excited about going to the dentist!
New blog posts from Crazy White Chick every TUESDAY!!
Next week....a pause button for anxiety?
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